Steadfast in 2021

   Although some say they were happy to throw 2020 out with yesterday's trash, it's not that easy. No matter your worldview, the outlook for 2021 is no more promising.  If anything, there is a false sense of starting with a blank slate when, in actuality, it is simply the new mixed with a bunch of the old. It's not all bad, but as a Christian, when considering all the fear and chaos in 2020 that continues into 2021, I was praying this morning for strength and clarity. I landed on Isaiah 30.

(Note: The book of Isaiah views political and military events of the earliest centuries through the lense of the sole lordship of the one true God.  ~ G.E. Wright)

    During this time in history, Israel was situated between two powerful enemies, Assyria (to the north) and Egypt (to the south). The Lord promised Israel that He would protect and provide for them; however, when threatened by Assyria, Israel responded out of fear and impatience. Leaning on their own understanding and sinful ambitions, they sought an alliance with Egypt (a frenemy at the time).  So imagine if Canada and Mexico were our adversaries and both were wealthier and more powerful than the US, with far more superior militaries.  Then, imagine Canada threatens the US with a military invasion and complete take over of our country, and in response we turn to Mexico for protection despite our adversarial interests.

    Israel had been instructed by God to not turn to these evil nations and to rely on Him alone. As a result of their rebellion they were rebuked by God through the prophet Isaiah.

1) Woe to the rebellious children! This is the Lord's declaration. They carry out a plan, but not mine; they make an alliance, but against my will, piling sin on top of sin. 2) Without asking my advice they set out to go down to Egypt in order to seek shelter under Pharaoh's protection and take refuge in Egypt's shadow. 3) But Pharaoh's protection will become your shame, and refuge in Egypt's shadow your humiliation. 4) For though his princes are at Zoan and his messengers reach as far as Hanes, 5) everyone will be ashamed because of a people who can't help. They are of no benefit, they are no help; they are good for nothing but shame and disgrace."  (Is. 30:1-5)

    This is not a message to the world. God is speaking to His own people here. They knew He was in control and that He would be faithful, and they knew to wait on Him, but the danger just got too close for comfort and they panicked. They did not have the patience and strength to endure. As a result, relying on their own wisdom, they would put themselves in the hands of the enemy. I pray we do not do the same! I pray we remain steadfast in obedience to the Word of God.

    There is a stark difference between Israel's response in Isaiah 30 and how we are called to respond to the world in Hebrews 10.

19) Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, 20) by the new and living way that He opened for us through the curtain, that is, through His flesh, 21) and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22) let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. 23) Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. 24) And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25) not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. (Heb. 10:19-25)

    Patience and strength are the fruit of our faith, and faith comes from knowing and experiencing Christ. If we do not equip ourselves daily by reading the Word and praying and meditating on truth; if we do not confess and repent; and if we do not come together regularly for fellowship and worship what will the Church look like in 2021? What will be the condition of our hearts? How will we respond when faced with the temptations of worldly ambitions? Where will our eyes turn in our fear and confusion? Will we panic and compromise? Will we put our faith in men and political powers? Will we recognize liberal theology? Will we even be equipped to do His work, or will we simply seek comfort and acceptance in our "conservative" bubbles?

    We are called to be warriors of the faith not just weary travelers seeking shelter from enemy fire. We must have the strength to not only endure in the faith but to respond to a hurting and lost world. To do so we must draw near to our God through prayer, meditation and worship. We must equip ourselves with His armor (Eph. 6:10-20), and we must gather as a church body on a regular basis encouraging one another.

    I, for one, do not want to be disgraced by my failure to distinguish between the faithful work and protection of my God and the false sense of security offered by this world. I do not want to be operating under panic and fear leading to compromise, but instead I want to face the enemy and the lost with bold confidence and a resolve to serve in obedience and faith. I will stumble and struggle in 2021 as I did in 2020, but my prayer is that I will consistently seek Him with a humble heart. The goal is not to prove my own strength (I am indeed weak), but to display God's grace and mercy in my own life and to do this for His glory alone.

"But the Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame."  Is. 50:7

The 2012 Wrap Up!

As I hear the very loud celebration out on the street I am forced to accept that yet another year has passed. Well, I must say that 2012 has proved to be a year full of joy, surprises, sorrows, excitement, frustration and challenges. If I had to describe it in one word it would be "blessed."

We started out the year launching Church at the Cross. We met at a local daycare on Sunday evenings. CATC began with 8 members and about 20 people in attendance at our first service on January 8. After 3 moves and a few other adjustments we ended the year with roughly 15 members and 6 more waiting to join. We average 50 in attendance and have settled in at a local elementary school. I did not know how we would do it or what it would look like, but God is good! This has been one of the most humbling and rewarding experiences of my life.

One of the biggest challenges for our family this year was making the move from Liberty to Atascocita. Our house was on the market for nearly 10 months before our buyers came around. We did find the home of our dreams in a great neighborhood in Atascocita; however, trying to line up the closings on both homes so that we didn't loose the contract on our new home was a true test of my patience and my faith. It was a frustrating, stressful experience that ended very sweet!  We quickly settled into our new home. We have great neighbors, a wonderful church and family still close by. Moving and settling in was work but it was mostly enjoyable. We were so excited and felt very blessed. It still brings a smile to my face sometimes when I pull into our driveway and see our home... believing that this is exactly where the Lord wants us.  I think to myself "This could very possibly be the home in which we see all of our children grow up... a home in which many, many family and church memories will be created and treasured."

We also faced some tough times this year. In March my beautiful grandmother went to be with her Savior. She had 90 years here on Earth, but for the last seven she was completely dependent upon my parents for her care. She suffered a major stroke in September of 2004 and was unable to speak or care for herself. We were blessed to have had her living so close to us in her last days. She was able to meet all of her great-grandchildren, and despite her physical and mental limitations she bonded with them in a very precious way. In early September I lost a dear friend and mentor, Judge Rusty Hight. I first met Rusty as a young girl, about 10 years old, and later babysat for him and his beautiful wife Leah. They hosted parties for me and my friends in high school, attended our graduations, and Rusty even danced with me at my wedding. When it was time for me to be sworn in as an attorney, instead of traveling to Austin with my law school classmates, I was sworn in by Judge Hight in the 75th Judicial District Court. I learned to lawyer in that courtroom. His passing was sudden and difficult, but I find comfort in knowing that Rusty called Jesus his Lord and Savior.

Again in December my family received news that struck even closer to home. My dad, who was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma three years ago, was now diagnosed with prostate cancer. Cancer has been one of my dad's greatest fears, as we lost his father to prostate cancer several years ago.  We are thankful though because daddy's prognosis could have been much worse. It appears that neither the lymphoma or the prostate cancer are aggressive types. They are both manageable, but my parents face some difficult choices and dad will have to undergo treatments that could produce devastating side effects. In addition to his medical condition, Daddy has retired from a job he held for more than 35 years. In fact, today he locked up his office for the last time. He has had a very rough month, but I believe this next stage in life could be his best! Mom and dad both put their faith in Christ and lean on His Word for direction and comfort, but they will still suffer some pain through this very difficult season. I pray their faith strengthens with each heart ache and each victory. I pray they are like-minded and continue to build their marriage with Christ as the cornerstone. My hope is that -- after dad finishes his cancer treatments and he and mom settle into this new chapter of life -- they turn their hearts toward ministry!

The fun times definitely outweighed the bad in 2012. We made some great new friends and reunited with old ones. Chris and I attended my 20 year reunion this fall. I loved seeing my high school friends (many of which I had not seen since we graduated in May of 1992).  We hosted a few events in our new home that resulted in great turn outs and fun memories.  One evening we had a lemonade stand in the front yard and sold nearly 40 cups. It was a huge success! This summer Chris took Nate on his first "man vacation" near San Antonio, where they hiked and fished and stayed in a dingy old cabin. Calvin started kindergarten and lost his first tooth. Eli started preschool and loves it! We got a puppy (a yorkie named Max) and the boys are learning to take care of him... well, kinda.

There were many unexpected moments in 2012 as well. Perhaps our biggest surprise came on October 2 when we found out that we were expecting another child... our fourth. I cannot say that I was excited or even slightly happy with this news. I was not angry but I was anxious. This was not planned and certainly not a desire of my heart; but I must say that with the first ultrasound, the first sound of the heartbeat, and after I felt that first kick I am truly excited and falling in love again.

The Lord has been so good to us. Our family is together under one roof. We are healthy and we have been kept safe. We belong to a new, loving church family and have settled into a great community that we look forward to serving. Every year we fall short of the glory of God, yet every year our Father's mercies and grace are showered down on us. I do not know what tomorrow holds, let alone the next year, but I know that God's hand is steady. His infinite grace is sure and His unshakeable will prevails.

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:" Ecclesiastes 3:1

Not my will but Yours, Oh Lord!

It has been a busy month as the holiday season is in full swing.  Our first Halloween in our new neighborhood was a blast, and next week we will be celebrating Thanksgiving. In between those holidays we hosted a pumpkin carving party, had Calboy's 6th birthday party, attended a few school activities, and managed to grow our family by one. Whew... I'm worn out!!

That's right, one more little Indian to add to the tribe. We found out on October 2nd that I am pregnant with our fourth child, and well, to be honest that was some of the scariest news I could have received. I did not jump for joy but instead felt weak and began to tremble. I did not make any big announcement to the world and in fact kept our news a secret at first. I wasn't thankful. I was frustrated. I have plans and this was not one of them. So through my tears, I had a nice talk with the Lord about the situation and how I had a strategy that would bring Him glory and would work out quite nicely if we just stay on track. And my plans did include a fourth child (eventually), but that child would be adopted, later... like, in a few years. What a ministry and testimony for us and for our future child. I laid it all out there for the Lord so He could see that I had put alot of prayer and thought into this. I told Him how I took into consideration our finances and schedules; compared domestic verses international adoption; and evaluated our support system and when they might be ready for this big commitment. I traveled all the way to Phoenix, Arizona to attend an adoption conference. We had even purchased a larger home that would  accommodate a larger family. After all of that it made so much sense. Chris and I were taking this very seriously and even our boys were excited. We were all totally on board with this. It was a solid plan. It was sacrificial yet rewarding, and more importantly it was a God-glorifying plan. See?

So after a few tearful presentation-like prayers to God, like any humble, God-fearing woman I took another pregnancy test the next day. It was still positive. What? I had zero pregnancy symptoms. We were not trying to get pregnant and the timing didn't seem right at all. Unlike my plan, this did not seem to make sense. So then I started racking my brain for a reasonable explanation and came up with a very good one. My hormones must have been out of whack for some reason and that's how I had two false positives. My first theory was that September had been a really busy and emotional month and that combination could send a girl into a hormonal rage or just knock her right off schedule. The next theory came to me at the pharmacy. I went to buy prenatal vitamins and next to them were vitamins for women going through menopause. A light bulb went off in my head. I know 38 is kind of early for menopause to hit, but I had read somewhere that you could began having symptoms in your thirties. I so badly didn't want to be pregnant at 38, that I actually had an easier time accepting the fact that I could be at the beginning stages of menopause... a nemeses for many marriages. It's dreaded by most women and feared by all men. But that day, I was okay with it. Pregnancy at this stage in life is good for some but I was done. I did this three times already. My body must be confused. So I texted my sweet friend, Heather. Did she think that the onset of menopause could produce a false positive? She texted back an emphatic "NO!" Whatever, ...she's not a doctor.

Finally, I figured that because both tests came from the same box they must have been flawed, damaged somehow. I mean, Chris did pack them in the same grocery bag with a cold jug of milk. Perhaps the "extreme" temperature change compromised their accuracy.  Or perhaps they were just cheap. Maybe it wasn't my hormones that were all out of whack but the tests themselves. Therefore, about two weeks into this drama I purchased a third test. After all, I was still not experiencing any symptoms (or at least not acknowledging them). This time I was smart. I got a more expensive test and a different brand. I took the test in the morning like you are suppose to, and I made sure to not look at it for at least 30 seconds.  If you are wondering if I was taking myself seriously at this point, the answer is yes. Yes I was! Nothing else made sense. I wasn't ready for this. Not in any way - financially, emotionally, mentally, certainly not physically and clearly not spiritually.

The result,... it was positive a third time. I finally felt the way I must have looked... ridiculous. Being of somewhat more rational mind, I took a picture of the stick. Next time I found myself in denial I would look at that picture on my phone. This meant I had to accept the very probable fact that I was pregnant a fourth time; however, I still had a doctor's appointment three weeks away just to make sure. Before I could make it to the doctor the pregnancy symptoms kicked in full gear. I was tired, nauseated, making trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night and experiencing random urges to punch someone in the face for no reason (well, a few times it would have been justifiable but I refrained). At the first prenatal appointment we saw the little peanut-shaped body, the heartbeat and two little legs kicking about. I had never seen an ultrasound at this stage. We could clearly see the body, almost two inches long, and we could even make out the little facial features. Okay, that did it. I was convinced. We are indeed pregnant!

So what do I do now? There is no denying that there is a tiny life growing inside of me whether I like it or not; whether I think the timing is right or not. He or she is there because God created a life.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:13-16
 

This has been His will for us all along. Despite my denial, my hesitation, my fears, my frustrations, even the resentment I felt about my own plan being tossed aside; despite all of my sinful ways, God has chosen to bless us for the purpose of His glory. I am so thankful for God's perpetual grace. I praise Him for His unyielding will and unconditional love for me. I am reminded that He wants us to find full satisfaction in Him.  If we seek it elsewhere, like in the accomplishment of our own plans instead of His, then He will draw us back. Out of an abundance of love for us, He will redirect our path. For that I am thankful.

I am still a huge advocate for adoption, and I still think I had a great plan. I'm an adoption attorney and my husband is a pastor for goodness sake. We advocate for adoption all the time. I will continue to pray about how our family can serve orphans and encourage others within the church to do the same. It is a treasured command from our Heavenly Father to care for His children who have no earthly parents. I do hope that our home will serve to bless some of those little ones in the future, but for now God has a different plan. I do not know much about His plan for this new addition to our family but I know it is better than any blueprint I could come up with myself.

I'm still not excited about being pregnant again, but I love being a mom. I was overwhelmed with joy at the arrival of each of our three boys (and actually a little shocked that they let me leave the hospital with them). There is no doubt that I will feel the same way about this beautiful child now developing in miraculous ways at the hand of a miraculous God. I now feel so humbled that the Lord would entrust Chris and I with another one of His precious gifts. No matter how nauseous, tired, out of shape or moody I get, I will carry on with joy and pray for a healthy new baby to love and nurture as we have the other three. May God be glorified in this!

Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Psalm 127:3.

To Bring Him Glory

Recently, Chris and I celebrated our 11^th anniversary. We are blessed to have parents who live nearby and are happy to keep the boys on such occasions.  Grandparents allow Chris and I some much needed alone time or an opportunity to have an uninterrupted evening with friends. I would never want to be in the same position as those parents who must surrender their children to the other parent for days or sometimes weeks at a time; however, I must admit that we do enjoy the occasional kid-free evening or getting away for a few days. As much as I enjoy and appreciate those rare occasions, what I love even more is to know that I am needed and that our children desire to spend time with us.

There will come a time when our sons will want to be with their friends more than they want to be with us, and one day they will fall in love and not care to be with anyone else but that special girl. Eventually they will marry that special girl because she is the one they love and desire to be with more than any other person. But for now it is us, their mommy and daddy, that they want to be with; to snuggle, play and laugh with. Often one of the boys will say, "Mommy, can you and I just have some alone-time? Just you and me." They don't care if that means just sitting on their bed talking or reading a book. They just want to spend time with me and they will take it anyway they can get it and as often as they can. In fact it feels as though they want our attention twenty-four hours a day; yes, even while they sleep. We wake up with at least one little, squirmy boy in our bed almost every morning. Although it can be exhausting, I am so thankful that I have three boys who love their parents and desire to spend so much time with us. I absolutely love spending time with my family and the fact that my love is reciprocated brings me more joy than anything else on Earth.

Experiencing that kind of love from my children causes me to reflect on how our Heavenly Father must take pleasure in us when we desire to spend time with Him and how much it must hurt Him when that desire fades. We may serve a mysterious God, but I know this: when He has our full attention and we desire nothing more than to be in His presence He delights in us.  One of Chris’s favorite quotes comes from John Piper, “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.” It took me a while to wrap my head around that phrase, but it makes so much sense now.

For me to have a deep love for my children and desire to spend time with them is a normal, healthy feeling we have as parents.  But to want my children to adore me so much that they crave my presence above all else is not normal or healthy (aside from a newborn who knows nothing else). In fact, I believe such a longing is rooted in either insecurity or egotism.  My sons enjoy being around their parents. They look like us and they act like us. Their identity; however, is not in us. It would be arrogant to think that any of our children would find ultimate joy and satisfaction in mom and dad. They are simply our children on loan, so to speak, and although we are imperfect parents, we are blessed to be charged with the task to love, teach, discipline and provide for them.

On the other hand, for God to want us to desire Him above all else is not just right, it’s holy. He is a perfect, sovereign God. He is omniscient. He is omnipresent. He is omnipotent. He is Alpha and Omega. His love and forgiveness are infinite. His grace and mercy overflow. His kindness, gentleness and goodness are unmatched. He is the only source of pure joy and genuine peace. Like earthly parents, God loves, teaches, disciplines and provides for His children, but in ways that are beyond our capacity, our understanding. He is the perfect parent.

Despite the fact that humanity thinks so much of itself often with total disregard for its Creator, compared to Him we are scum. Yet that God and Creator has made the ultimate sacrifice so that we (scum) can call him Father. He sent His one and only Son, holy and perfect, to die for us. This is the only way we can experience an intimate relationship with our Lord. Because sin cannot exist in the presence of God, a great and supernatural exchange took place on the cross.  Jesus took on our sin and covered us with His righteousness so that we can be accepted into the family of God.  With this adoption our hearts and minds conform to His will. Our desires change and we crave to be with Him above all else. We find our identity in Him. We are created in His image, but not until we become a child of God, a disciple of Christ, do we begin to reflect who He is. This brings Him glory.

God desires His own glory. People have a hard time accepting a God that desires His own glory above all else (yes, above us), but I believe we have a difficult time with that concept because we view it through human eyes, as though God is like us. For us to long to be glorified would be self-righteous and conceited.  That is because we are sinners. We are not deserving of such an honor. But an infinitely perfect God is deserving of nothing less. For Him to long for anything less than His own glory would make Him less than perfect.

By bringing us into His kingdom and transforming our hearts and minds we find complete joy and satisfaction in Him. In return He is glorified by our praise and exaltation of Him. This sweet communion between our Heavenly Father and His children is the purpose of the cross. “He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him.” 1 Thessalonians 5:10.

What I pray most for my children is that they will find complete satisfaction in Christ. I pray that they don’t “shop around” for a substitute, finding temporary pleasures in artificial things. Instead I want them to experience the pure joy found in being a child of God, to long to be in His presence twenty-four hours a day, and to approach Abba Father each morning and ask “Can you and I have some alone time? Just you and me?”

"He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."

                                                                                            Col. 1:13-14